My ex-fiance, a man I had not been getting along with lately, I have always felt to be an extension of myself. People nowadays throw the term 'soul mate' around too lightly.

I had just gotten to work yesterday morning at 9:30 central time, & I was inexplicably ticked off, irrational. By 10, my hands were shaking & I felt sick. I had an urge to cry, & did so. I had to be gently pulled from my register to go sit down in the office & just cry. I didn't know why, though, so I told my manager some older news about my mom & I not getting along.

I was a seasonal employee, but during my last break my human resources manager came up to me & said the store wishes to keep me on-board as a part-time employee. I was ecstatic.

Then I got home.

My grandmother (with whom I live, along with my grandfather) was on the phone with my mother. Apparently my ex-fiance's mother had called my mother, & my mother called my grandmother, who in turn finally told me the news, which erased all thought of my promotion. My ex-fiance is dead. He died yesterday morning. At the same time I felt inexplicably sick, he was dead.

And I know it's not my fault, I didn't even watch the news or read the article about it. I'm not going to the visitation or funeral either, because I want to remember him as I last saw him: alive, sitting across from me at the Olive Garden.

My family & my friends are all being so helpful, my ex-fiance's mother even told my mother that she hopes I'm not alone, so even when her son is dead she's still worrying about me. I'm thankful for that, I really am, but it shouldn't have happened. Three months from yesterday he would have been 22. Far too young for any of this. He had some of the symptoms of a 40-year-old man, too young for that.

I've never had anyone close to me die before, in fact the last death I experienced was our dog a few years ago.

What do you find is the best way to deal with grief? Please, I've been trying to write a story, notes, anything for some form of mind-occupying task. Any suggestions? Please?